TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Sure, sure, let's have another put the place American men can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer Anyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It can be that he must quit utilizing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the job, replied, "You already know, guy, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Excellent tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from Place, a element getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental teams have Trump Tower Damascus filed lawsuits right after locating the making's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is really not merely unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Attributes


Perhaps the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "wherever's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is currently attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree can even contain:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to check out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge wherever my PTSD can have change-down company."


Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Ideas from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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